Maybe you could call it a creative block, but what it really feels like is that I’m caught between these different and enormous landscapes, like being in the middle of moving worlds and everything is changing and I don’t know yet where I am standing. On the mundane level, I can tell you exactly what is happening. The writing of WeConcile is finished although I’m polishing its hundreds of pages as I wait for one of our partners to finish building the system to allow it to automate. At the same time, I’m seeing many pieces of a book that is bigger than my vision and that I don’t yet have the space to start sifting through. It is waiting to be written and is calling me but there is no birthing place for it yet. I’m getting ready to spend the summer on Orcas Island which means preparing this house to rent and that task puts me squarely into an old dysfunction of having my left brain take over and stutter through the overwhelming number of decisions I have to make. And so I’ve been doing a bit of everything in a fashion that seems so chaotic, even I can barely stand myself.
I wrote a story I could have sent out to the world, it is a story of two people sorting through the trials and tribulations of their relationship, exactly the kind of story WeConcile is filled with (and really useful for those learning to improve their relationships). If you want to read it, you can find it here: http://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/learning-to-reconnect/.
I’ve gotten good at focusing on the bigger and more important things and letting the little things fall into place, but right now everything feels big and demanding, and in this maze of details I’ve somehow lost perspective. It is almost like I’m not sure if the boat is leaking and I should stop and fix the leak, or keep rowing, hoping I get to shore before I sink.
And that takes me straight to where I am right now – in movement, in process, intuiting the next thing but feeling immobilized in the present. So I ask myself, how is this useful to you, the reader?
It is useful because we are all evolving. We are all alive. We all have times of change and times of overwhelm. We are all grappling with the voices in our heads that tell us what we should be doing. And sometimes we are in the middle of a big pregnancy, our lives are on the cusp of changing completely, there are a million details to take care of, but no matter what we do, the baby isn’t ready.
Our world doesn’t really value pregnancy. We tap our feet anxiously as we wait for the birth. Somehow we miss the bigger picture of the cycles of the seasons. We forget that the ground must be tilled long before the harvest is ready. We’ve lost our sense of knowing that the decisions we make today may reach out to generations beyond us, unfolding into a world that may or may not be the best we could have created. And what is the best we could do? What is each of our purposes? Do we short-change our purpose by rushing impatiently or choosing immediate gratification over long-term value? Do we get lost in momentary details and lose track of the big picture, the big movements of our lives?
For me, the question becomes, is what I am doing contributing to beauty or truth? Whether it is the beauty or truth of how I am thinking, or something I am working on that will help others create beauty in their own lives, making beauty is important to me. One of the words I love is INSPIRE – to breathe in. Breath contains spirit. To bring spirit into us means we are alive and able to allow our spirit to touch others, hence inspiring them.
This is our power. If we can stay in balance, stay connected with our own inspiration then we can create beauty and truth in our lives. Conversely, we can contribute to ugliness in our lives and the world.
I grew up with a focus on productivity and work. While this has been useful, it has also caused me to be out of balance at times. Now, perhaps because of the uncertainty of these times, I am looking at my life as if perhaps it were to end. Am I ‘being’ in a way that is worthy of who I want to be, worthy of the best parts of me? Am I honoring others to the best of my ability? Am I finding balance, creating beauty, letting go of fear, worry, the need to push in an unsustainable way? Do I catch critical voices and stop them, whether they are about me or someone else?
When we are in the chaos and the paralysis of the moments before all the pieces pull together and fall into place, before the next big breath gets taken and there is form – that is the moment of great possibility. Where I am next may dictate my day-to-day life for years to come, as the last three and one-half years had been laid out in front of me by previous choices. But this open moment is unique. This is the undervalued pregnancy that we often try to rush through because it isn’t comfortable.
The birth is coming. Your attitude has everything to do with what will be. Do you honor the becoming? How can you focus right now to stand in the truth of what is, and to inspire – to bring spirit into the life that is yours each moment of each day.