Journey of aliveness

Owning it will change your life

We are alive; every breath, every action, every moment is alive. Every moment we generate energy — love, hatred, peace, joy, stress, determination, force. We may do this because of or in spite of the conditions around us.

This morning, I drove into town to take a yoga class. I often listen to inspirational podcasts and YouTubes when I drive. Today I listened to Abraham Hicks.

As I drove by the lake, the mist was rising. The hills behind the lake were partially cloaked and peeking through the mist. The sun was breaking through the clouds. The water was calm. I felt gratitude for the beauty, the textures, colors.

Chasing the future

As I appreciated how my drive enabled vistas and visions I would not have seen otherwise, I listened to Abraham explain that the journey is where it is at. This is a message I needed to hear because I am often trying to get to the future, and I lose my sense of appreciation and gratefulness for the present.

I believe that for me, chasing the future started early. My childhood was filled with yelling, blaming, and resentment. I felt trapped, and I wanted out. Thus began my exit out of the present moment. I moved into my head, into books. I moved into my imagination, into hopes and quests. Difficult experiences were pushed out of my mind. Over time, I became a doer. Being seemed like the stepchild of doing and so I forgot how to be.

I was told once, as I was slogging through a project, that it was alive, that the energy I was bringing to this project would impact how the user experienced it. That stopped me in my tracks. I could no longer show up stressed or half-conscious and push though (although I sometimes still did). I had to find a different way to do it. The goal could not justify a badly lived journey.

The work of increasing awareness

I’ve spent years meditating, practicing yoga, doing creative work, taking workshops, various training, refining my awareness and learning to focus on being here right now. At the same time, we live in a world of feelings: fears, shames, desires, and joys. These feelings add complexity to our reality.

Being alive and present means experiencing all of this. Being present is not bliss, but the slow untangling of being with what is, while refining how we engage with it.

I don’t want to be on my deathbed and wonder what happened to my life. I wish to reside in it fully. I want to see its beauty and wonder. I want to step into the magic of what is possible.

Bringing in magic

How do we do this? How do we experience all of our feelings while we also recognize the unique beauty of each moment and not abuse that moment, not tarnish it because we feel bad, or afraid, or want something else so badly?

Recently, I had been feeling depressed. I felt like a heavy gray fog had settled over me. I couldn’t shake it. I brought this up with a healer I work with. She suggested I find the part of me that felt lost, alone or abandoned and work with that part. I closed my eyes. I saw a child, grubby with a dirty, raggedy dress. I focused on her. I imagined pouring love into her. After a few minutes of this, she began to notice the environment around her. She saw the sky reaching down towards her. She saw the trees were aware of her. She saw the earth holding her. She saw the spirits of her physical environment responding to her. She no longer felt alone, encapsulated in isolation.

When I came out of this active imagination exercise, my depression had lifted. I saw myself engaged, in relationship to all that was around me. Like a shadow connected to my feet, everything was connected to me and responded to me. As I notice and respond to what is around me, what is around me notices and responds to me. This is a place I can revisit. This is the magic of healing.

If you are not with yourself, where are you?

The work of awareness is ongoing. We can own our journey as something we have power over. We can notice each moment and adjust our course according to what we are experiencing. We can decide to change our path or change our attitude. Moment by moment we can find our connection to what is around us and within us. We can begin the journey of increasing our aliveness in each second. We can integrate the various parts of ourselves and know we are not alone.

I want to walk that fine razor’s edge where I live each moment as beautifully as I can, while also respecting the complexity of all of my feelings. That is my goal. Loving that walk. Engaging with my present. Finding my gratitude and bringing magic to all parts of me.

First published on December 10th, 2019 in Change Your Mind Change Your Life, a publication. 

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