Jennifer Lehr’s “The Magic Cake” is a sophisticated look at what makes a person available for a truly I-Thou relationship and what traits to look for in a partner who can participate in real mutuality. As a child and adult psychiatrist and adult psychoanalyst practicing psychotherapy for 40 years I have experienced that the yearning for a good relationship and the heartache of being disappointed when the relationship just doesn’t have the ingredients necessary to make it mutually satisfying are intensely human needs and feelings. Lehr uses the metaphor of” the magic cake” to describe how there are seven ingredients which each person must possess in order to create the magic which is true love in connection and lasting attachments. These ingredients are safety, accountability, empowerment, empathy, vulnerable communication, and insight. Lehr proceeds to describe these ingredients in the formation of each person’s core sense of self, the ways in which each individual can have gaps in these qualities, and how to identify and then remedy areas of weakness which get in the way of the magic we all seek.
The descriptions are noteworthy in that there is no sense of blame or shame attached to identifying problem areas in each of our “ingredients,” and that everyone has areas of strengths and liabilities. Each person’s magic cake will be special and unique, but all the ingredients must be in the batter and one must be mindful to keep an eye on it ” in the oven.” In other words, one must not take the magic for granted and recognize that for the magic to continue to be powerful it has to be fresh and well tended.
Lehr takes deep concepts and describes them in accessible terms, using her own personal journey to illustrate how relationships can succeed or fail, and adding into the narrative vignettes of others whom she has helped to find the connection that we all seek. There is no imputation of psychopathology in the struggles that we all have to go through in order to actualize this important part of our humanness.
I highly recommend this guide to relationships for those seeking mates in this complicated world of online dating where the “inventory,” is vast. It is so helpful to know what basic traits need to be present in order to have an opportunity to get what one is seeking. I also recommend the book to those who are happily partnered who will inevitably have conflicts, despite the magic, and the exercises and descriptions will help each member of the dyad sort out where the conflicts originate and how to communicate and solve them.
Complicated ideas made accessible for everyone with clear writing and clear thinking.
Judith S Braun, MD
The Magic Cake is a straightforward and thorough analysis of the essential attributes that go into a successful relationship. The “ingredients” that Lehr pinpointed are an invaluable checklist for me to review, especially in times of conflict. Also, the exercises at the end of each chapter are extremely nonthreatening and eye-opening in spite of their simplicity. It was empowering to examine my shortcomings in a proactive way while retaining my sense of control in the relationship. This is my 16th year of marriage to the same person and the insights gleaned from this book are quite refreshing.
C. Rodarte
Shouldn’t we all have access to affordable recipes for enjoyable relationships? In a panic to improve partner communication, many people will anxiously sign up for counseling, willing to pay from $75 to upwards of $200 per hour to try and fix the problem. Fortunately, thanks to the Internet and new resources, we have other proactive and affordable approaches to improving our most important human interactions.
The Magic Cake is a helpful cookbook for any type of relationship; whether you’re in a long-term marriage, newly married, dating, or single, this book will help the reader recognize and develop the necessary ingredients for a successful and fulfilling partnership, or prepare the reader to become what the author calls “relationship-ready.”
Jennifer Lehr includes seven ingredients, which incorporate key questions to help ensure a strong foundation for any relationship. Lehr prompts the reader to use “relationship glasses” in order to “see more clearly what’s going on.” These questions help the reader to slow down and critically think through the common problems in relationships, consequently transforming reactive responses into productive communication between couples. Lehr makes all of these strategies readable by blending these approaches with her own personal anecdotes.
Maya Angelou once wrote, “What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.” Ms. Lehr teaches us that with healthy and satisfying ingredients, we can take action to improve our lives.
Wendy Weisel-Bosworth
“Let them eat cake,” Marie Antoinette said of her starving subjects on the streets of 18th century Paris when they were unable to afford more nourishing bread. Lacking compassion, accountability or insight she paid the price of failed relationship. When the author of The Magic Cake: Seven Ingredients of a Relationship Ready Person, Jennifer Lehr, offers her readers a fresh recipe for healing failed patterns of relationship, she points the way toward personal contentment transforming the phrase “let them eat cake” into a message of hope and salvation. Her recipe is simple and straightforward. It starts with tuning up the baker. What is it about your personality that prevents you from finding the right partner or, worse, locks you in a failed partnership?
Ms. Lehr, both through personal experience and education, is well qualified to lead the way to relationship satisfaction. Plus her writing style is coherent and her message both well-researched and compelling. No matter where you are on the relationship continuum, this book is for you. It provides a thought-provoking perspective on the formula for successful intimate relationship. This is Ms. Lehr’s gift to those who hunger for the taste of deeply satisfying connection not only with a soul mate but also with their own ever-seeking soul and unique being. Buy this book for yourself or for a friend who is struggling to find the right ingredients for relationship happiness then let them eat cake to their heart’s content.
Hart Wood
This book has been incredibly insightful for me. I have had several long term relationships and have struggled to find “my person” I want to spend the rest of my life with. Jennifer does and amazing job breaking down the necessary elements to have a clear picture of what it takes to become relationship ready. My pattern has been to jump all in before I have really taken a close look at myself, and this book has taught me some invaluable lessons that I will apply in my life going forward. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has ever struggled in love.
Deborah Rosen
I have been lucky enough to have read other works done by Jennifer Lehr and I must say this is one of my favorites!! The way she takes complex relationship and life issues and breaks them down into insightful and easy to understand questions makes this book A MUST READ! It did wonders for my relationship and made me look at all the relationships in my life in a different and deeper way!
Stacy Boodman